Building Relationships

If having a relationship with your physician is essential to building trust, who should initiate the relationship? The patient? The physician?

I didn't form a relationship with my former OB. I went to my appointments. I was honest. I took his advice. I asked questions when I had them, but being the last of my friends to become a parent left me with most of my questions answered. I read books. I searched the internet. I didn't write a birth plan because I recognized that each complication eliminated choices, and there was no point in getting myself hung up on a specific vision of the birth when I knew how quickly things could change. Was it my fault we didn't form that relationship?

I walked into my first appointment with him scared because I'd spotted over the weekend. It stopped after an hour, so I didn't feel it was necessary to go into the ER to get it checked. I simply set up an appointment for right away Monday morning. Throughout my whole investigation into choosing a new doctor, it had never occurred to me that I would stay with this one. My thoughts from the get go were simply to find someone to help me get this baby out safely. I had every intention of going back to a family practitioner after the baby was born. Was that the "fatal" flaw in my thinking? Should I have been committed to this relationship before it started?

I saw the situation similar to that of needing any other specialist. The family practice doctor refers you to a specialist for a specific condition. The specialist helps you resolve that condition, and you go back to your original doctor. There's no need to see an ENT if you sprain your ankle, right? Was I wrong in considering my pregnancy to fit this model? Or, was he wrong in not instigating it? Should he have done more than ask the specific diagnostic questions that helped him guide me down the path. Was he responsible for bringing up his birth philosophy to me, his patient?

After I left his care, I interviewed several doctors around the metro. I checked out doctors at the large urban hospitals. I checked out doctors that my co-workers saw. I didn't "click" with any of them. Instead of being reassured, I felt devalued. Instead of being calm, I felt anxious. Instead of feeling autonomous, I felt trivialized. Even my family practice physician, someone I'd seen for 15 - 20 years, contributed to my feelings of betrayal. He made a huge mistake in referring me to my former OB's wife for counseling, and this destroyed our relationship. I felt uncomfortable seeing him. I was afraid to be betrayed again, so I kept trying to figure out what to do since I knew I couldn’t remain in that relationship.

I was surprised when I met Dr. B for the first time. She really initiated the beginning of our relationship. When I tried to trivialize my experience, she forced me to expound on it. When I tried to change the topic, she circled me back around to the problem. She made sure I was getting help. She offered different options for treatment based on my current issues like flashbacks, anxiety, and dissociation. She made sure I was comfortable. She didn’t rush me out the door. She made sure I was okay with my daughter. She made sure I was okay with my husband. She looked for emotional well-being as well as the physical which ended up being easily cured.

As for my old OB, well, I have to accept some portion of the responsibility for not building a relationship with him.

Maybe we failed each other.