Friday, January 8, 2010

Calming myself down

Last night was a better night - at least until my husband woke me up in the middle of the night because he was ill.

I called my best friend, and she reminded me of who I am, of what I believe, and what I know deep in my heart that I have to do, even though I don't want to do it. It brought me a measure of peace that I haven't had since I realized what had happened.

The sleeping part of last night was rough simply because everyone in my house decided to wake up in the middle of the night. I had a really hard time quieting my brain to go back to sleep, but I did manage it around 3:30 am.

I've wanted to do some artwork to try releasing my emotions, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I guess I have a hard time with things that are not concrete. I'm always looking for a grade, and art is so subjective that I haven't been able to let myself just create. I may try that again this weekend. It's just that I look at the blank page and freeze.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Struggling

I'm really struggling right now. I'm finding it difficult to control my edginess and irritability. It's creeping into my interactions with my daughter and with the dogs. Usually, I can find my zen when I get home, but the last couple of nights the dogs have ended up in timeout, and the peanut has been kicked off of my lap for squirming.

I'm not sure how to deal with all of my feelings right now. I don't know how to stop the edginess from manifesting itself in my life. My husband knows something is wrong. I disappeared to the computer last night after the peanut went to bed. He knows I'm disconnecting, and so do I. I probably need to think about counseling again, but I kind of want to wait until I receive the records.

Just when I think I have this thing under control, something makes me feel like the PTSD has smacked me in the face with a baseball bat.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Where I'm starting

I requested a new copy of my medical records yesterday. Before I jump to any conclusions, plans, or assumptions I need to verify that the records have indeed been changed. Hopefully, I'll have a new copy this week.

I had a rough night last night. This situation was preying on my mind. I took a pill, and still couldn't sleep. I just feel like they're all out to get me, even though in the rational part of my brain I know that's not true.

How on earth did I find myself in such a freaking mess?

It shouldn't be this hard to give birth. It shouldn't still haunt you two 1/2 years later. I shouldn't be in this place where I am right now.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What do I do now?

I orginally got a copy of my medical records from my daughter's birth just a few months after she was born. At that time, I read them, discussed them with my family practice doctor, and decided to enter counseling to learn to cope with my experience. I put the records away, and completely forgot about where they were.

Last summer, things were really getting to me again, and since I couldn't remember where my records were in addition to them being somewhat incomplete, I requested a new more complete copy of them. By the time I received them, I was back in counseling, and I'd relaxed enough that I didn't really feel the need to read them.

When I was sick over Thanksgiving, I found the new set of records. I paged through them, re-read the narratives, and threw them out. I noticed that they specifically mentioned me "consenting" to procedures. However, I didn't remember that being in the original set of documents. However, the other day, I noticed the original set of the records was buried at the bottom of a drawer in my daughter's changing table. I made a note of their location in the back of my mind, and went about my business.

Yesterday morning, I woke up a little bit before the alarm went off. As I was laying in bed, it suddenly hit me. They'd changed the original records. It bothered me a bit, but I had work to do, so I put the thought aside.

This morning, I grabbed my original copy of the records, and re-read the notes on my daughter's delivery. In the original narrative, there's no mention of the doctor obtaining consent for the D & C, manual removal of the placenta, or fixing the uterine inversion. However, I'm positive that the current records have been altered to include "consent" issues.

What do I do? I don't know if I should request another copy of the records. I'm not sure if I should file a complaint with the hospital, state medical department, or find an attorney. I had registered a complaint with the state medical department a couple of years ago, and I'm sure my records were altered to avoid punishment at that time.

I don't know. I'm perplexed, frustrated, and angry right now. I feel like I've been re-violated because they're unwilling to face up to their own actions.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm Doing It!!!!

Since my last post, I've managed to not do any birthday party planning. It's amazing how far I've come on this PTSD journey. I can now right about what my problem / trigger is, and I can work out a plan to cope with it. I never thought things could get this good.