My 20 year high school class reunion is coming up in August. My husband and I have decided to attend, so I’ve spent the last couple of weekends, blame Stacey and Clinton from TLC’s What Not to Wear (my husband does), looking for a dress to wear to the event.
It’s been difficult to find a dress. To start, I’m a larger than average girl. Not a lot larger, but large enough that I can’t fit into the dresses in the regular misses department at the stores. Therefore, my selection is pretty limited. Added to that, I was a wall-flower in high school, and I don’t want the dress that I buy to reflect that part of my past. I’m not that shy, scared girl anymore. I’m a wife and a mother. I own my own home. I have a career that I’m good at and enjoy. I’m a PTSD survivor. I want a dress that has people seeing the confident woman that I am now. I want them to see that I’m not shy and retiring, but willing to put myself forward the way I am now acknowledging my own faults.
I had bombed out at 12 different stores two weekends ago. I tried on approximately 80 dresses, but nothing hit all of the right notes. I’ve spent the last week grumbling about it to my co-workers. It was so frustrating to have one little thing wrong with so many dresses.
So, last weekend I dragged my husband to the local Macy’s store. We went through the entire store, and grabbed every single dress they had in my size (between 30 and 40 dresses total). I tried on sleeveless dresses, short sleeved dresses, and long sleeved dresses. I tried on casual sundresses, work type dresses, cocktail dresses, and even mistakenly tried on a prom dress. (We were just grabbing, not really looking at the dresses.) I tried on dresses that I would typically never consider. I’m pretty modest, so I don’t wear sequins, tight, or sleeveless clothes. However, given my insatiable desire to find the “right” dress, I ignored all of my own rules. So, I started trying all of these dresses on in the dressing room. I showed my husband each and every one of them. One of them had my husband’s jaw hitting the floor. It was like va-va-voom – totally sexy, slinky, sex-kitten dress, and I looked GOOD! Actually, I looked gorgeous. I’ve never seen myself like that. I’m not ugly, but I’ve never thought of myself as pretty. Anyhow, it just happens that this dress was on clearance for $40, so I decided to go ahead and buy it.
Monday morning rolls around, and I’m talking to a couple of co-workers about finding this great dress. I told them that my husband’s going to get a sitter, so we can go out for my birthday next month, and he’s even thinking about springing for a hotel room. In my mind it was a pretty innocuous, non-triggering conversation to be having, when Chantel says, “woohoo, baby number two making night”.
AARGH! I’m talking about a dress, not making baby number two. I’m not going to intentionally have any more children. My husband and I have decided that neither one of us in comfortable with the risk. My pregnancy and delivery were complicated. In fact they were more complicated than my hospital had ever seen. It’s not like they were just a little bit more complicated than usual, we’re talking almost off the charts complicated. The odds of having that many complications in a single delivery are higher than the odds of winning the lottery. For me, the risks of dying are very real. When your medical records record a conversation about placing mom in the ICU, she’s not making up stories, or exaggerating about nearly dying when giving birth. It’s rare, but moms do sometimes die. There’s no point in giving birth to another child when my odds of not being there to raise that child are so high.
Anyhow, I’m just frustrated. I know Chantel doesn’t know my birth story. I know she didn’t mean anything bad by saying this. She’s working under the typical assumption that most people have their children two to three years apart. It’s just that the casual way she said it kind of tripped me up a bit.
I’m so much better than I was. This experience has started fading into the background. It’s still there. I know I still filter every new experience through it, but it’s not like it was before. I guess I’m just a little naïve in thinking that as my daughter gets older things will stop triggering me. I keep thinking that it’s in the past, and yet I’m having a conversation about a sexy dress, and birth pops up. When are people going to stop talking about it? How old do I have to get before it stops being a common topic of conversation. It’s not that I can’t talk about my daughter’s birth. I do talk about it, but I don’t see the need to go into details with every Tom, Dick, or Harry that walks into my life.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Birth Rape Rears its Ugly Head Again
After two years of living with the consequences of my OB’s actions I really should know better than to Google Birth Rape. It seems like every 9 – 12 months something stirs up the discussion fires on this topic. This time, Café Mom seems to be the instigator. There’s poll, a forum, and a journal / blog post on the topic. Now, at least one L & D nurse is weighing in on the subject as well.
There seems to be some misconceptions about what women are referring to when they define their birth experience as a birth rape.
1. Just because someone, a nurse, midwife, or doctor, breaks your water doesn’t make it a birth rape. Just because birth is painful doesn’t make it a birth rape. Just because you have a cervical check doesn’t make it a birth rape. Most of the time, healthcare providers ask permission to do these things. If you consent, it’s NOT rape.
I had my water broken, but I consented. That procedure was not birth rape. I had an IV, but I consented. That procedure was not birth rape. I had several cervical / vaginal exams, but I consented. Those procedures were not birth rape. I was asked to lie on my side during the majority of my labor, but I consented. That was not birth rape. I had continuous fetal monitoring and EFM, but I consented. Neither of those were birth rape. I had a vacuum assisted delivery, but I consented. That was not birth rape. As long as you consent to the procedure whether it’s verbal or written it’s not rape. Just like when I consent to having sex with my husband it’s not rape.
2. Women who call it birth rape deserved what they got. After all if the baby has to come out, so whatever is done in that process is acceptable. If you go to the hospital as long as someone with an ID badge does it to you it’s okay.
Where I live, we have a Patient’s Bill of Rights. Competent patients have the right to decline any and all medical procedures. Competent patients have the right to be told what their diagnosis is, what the treatment options are, what are the risks associated with those options, and allowed to make their OWN decision. Therefore, the doctor, midwife, or nurse is not always right. They don’t have the power to force a woman to submit to procedures that she doesn’t want. They don’t have the right to coerce a woman into submitting to any procedures, and they don’t have the right to abuse their patients.
3. Women are just whining because they didn’t get the experience that they wanted to have.
What? There are a lot of things about my daughter’s birth that didn’t go the way that I wanted. I didn’t want to be induced. I wanted to go into labor on my own. However, complications prevented this from being possible. Did that traumatize me? NO! Did that result in a need for counseling? NO! It was simply a disappointment. Do I label any of those procedures that I didn’t want, but consented to, as birth rape? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
4. If it’s a rape, why don’t you report it, and have the perpetrators prosecuted?
I did report the actions of my doctor. I reported them to the State Medical Board, the hospital where he practices, and I sent him letter. However, the State Medical Board has the same attitude that a lot of women on this forum have- he’s the doctor, so he’s right. My report was denied because I didn’t have enough evidence to prove it. Doesn’t that sound like a typical rape case? It’s my word against yours. It doesn’t make what happened to be less truthful or less traumatizing. As to why I didn’t sue him, well like a lot of rape victims, I didn’t want to re-live it. I didn’t want to sit in the same room with him. I didn’t want to bare my emotions, and mental issues in front of a jury that doesn’t believe that birth rape happens.
5. You don’t develop mental issues from a bad birthing experience.
Actually, I did develop mental health issues as a result of his decision. I spent 18 months in counseling for PTSD. PTSD doesn’t go away. You learn to live with it, you learn to cope with it, but it doesn’t go away. I’ll have these scars for the rest of my life. They’ll gradually fade with time, but they will never go away. I live with nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, and anxiety. I have panic attacks when I go to the doctor. I have had flashbacks during sex – what a mood killer. I’ve denied my husband sex because I’ve been terrified of having another child. My marriage was nearly destroyed because of the severity of my symptoms.
6. So what do I call my birth rape?
For me, birth rape refers to a specific procedure at a specific time that was performed without my consent.
My daughter was born at 11:32 pm. Approximately 15 minutes later my doctor asked the nurse to tell him when ½ hour had passed after the baby’s delivery. At that point in time, he knew that the placenta wasn’t detaching properly. Did he discuss this with me? No. He just kept biding his time waiting to see if it would change. Shortly thereafter, I notified the doctor that his ½ hour was up. Did he tell me then, that there was a problem with the placenta? No. He attempted cord traction to get the placenta to release. The umbilical cord tore off the placenta leaving the placenta attached to my uterus. Did he notify me then that there was a problem with the placenta, and offer me the opportunity to choose between treatment options of having him try to manually remove it or have it surgically removed? No. He just shoved his hand inside me, and tried to pull it out himself. Why wouldn’t I have seen this as a rape? He wasn’t saving my child. She was already born. He wasn’t saving me since at this point he didn’t see this situation being emergent. I was competent, and capable of consenting. He chose not to allow me to consent.
The pain of this procedure was extraordinary. It’s beyond the realm of anything I had ever experienced. It sent me into a place where I was incapable of providing consent for any additional procedures. Even though I didn’t consent to the D & C, even though I didn’t consent to the re-installation of my uterus, even though he spent almost an hour with his hand elbow deep in my hoo-ha trying to shove my uterus back into place, I’ve never considered those procedures to be birth rape. The situation had become emergent, I was mentally incapable of providing informed consent, and I was at the mercy of his skill, knowledge, and competency.
You see, Birth Rape is about power and consent. It’s not about sex. It has nothing to do with sex. In some ways, birth rape is worse. You’re in a place and surrounded by people who are supposed to keep you safe, but you’re not. You can’t advocate for yourself if they don’t tell you first what they’re going to do. You can’t fight for your rights when they deny them. My doctor wasn’t evil. He wasn’t trying to harm me. He got caught up in the complications, and all he saw was a problem. He forgot that I was a person, and only saw the complications.
Birth rape is real. Birth rape is evil, and eventually it will become prosecutable. Right now it’s impossible to get anyone to believe you.
There seems to be some misconceptions about what women are referring to when they define their birth experience as a birth rape.
1. Just because someone, a nurse, midwife, or doctor, breaks your water doesn’t make it a birth rape. Just because birth is painful doesn’t make it a birth rape. Just because you have a cervical check doesn’t make it a birth rape. Most of the time, healthcare providers ask permission to do these things. If you consent, it’s NOT rape.
I had my water broken, but I consented. That procedure was not birth rape. I had an IV, but I consented. That procedure was not birth rape. I had several cervical / vaginal exams, but I consented. Those procedures were not birth rape. I was asked to lie on my side during the majority of my labor, but I consented. That was not birth rape. I had continuous fetal monitoring and EFM, but I consented. Neither of those were birth rape. I had a vacuum assisted delivery, but I consented. That was not birth rape. As long as you consent to the procedure whether it’s verbal or written it’s not rape. Just like when I consent to having sex with my husband it’s not rape.
2. Women who call it birth rape deserved what they got. After all if the baby has to come out, so whatever is done in that process is acceptable. If you go to the hospital as long as someone with an ID badge does it to you it’s okay.
Where I live, we have a Patient’s Bill of Rights. Competent patients have the right to decline any and all medical procedures. Competent patients have the right to be told what their diagnosis is, what the treatment options are, what are the risks associated with those options, and allowed to make their OWN decision. Therefore, the doctor, midwife, or nurse is not always right. They don’t have the power to force a woman to submit to procedures that she doesn’t want. They don’t have the right to coerce a woman into submitting to any procedures, and they don’t have the right to abuse their patients.
3. Women are just whining because they didn’t get the experience that they wanted to have.
What? There are a lot of things about my daughter’s birth that didn’t go the way that I wanted. I didn’t want to be induced. I wanted to go into labor on my own. However, complications prevented this from being possible. Did that traumatize me? NO! Did that result in a need for counseling? NO! It was simply a disappointment. Do I label any of those procedures that I didn’t want, but consented to, as birth rape? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
4. If it’s a rape, why don’t you report it, and have the perpetrators prosecuted?
I did report the actions of my doctor. I reported them to the State Medical Board, the hospital where he practices, and I sent him letter. However, the State Medical Board has the same attitude that a lot of women on this forum have- he’s the doctor, so he’s right. My report was denied because I didn’t have enough evidence to prove it. Doesn’t that sound like a typical rape case? It’s my word against yours. It doesn’t make what happened to be less truthful or less traumatizing. As to why I didn’t sue him, well like a lot of rape victims, I didn’t want to re-live it. I didn’t want to sit in the same room with him. I didn’t want to bare my emotions, and mental issues in front of a jury that doesn’t believe that birth rape happens.
5. You don’t develop mental issues from a bad birthing experience.
Actually, I did develop mental health issues as a result of his decision. I spent 18 months in counseling for PTSD. PTSD doesn’t go away. You learn to live with it, you learn to cope with it, but it doesn’t go away. I’ll have these scars for the rest of my life. They’ll gradually fade with time, but they will never go away. I live with nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, and anxiety. I have panic attacks when I go to the doctor. I have had flashbacks during sex – what a mood killer. I’ve denied my husband sex because I’ve been terrified of having another child. My marriage was nearly destroyed because of the severity of my symptoms.
6. So what do I call my birth rape?
For me, birth rape refers to a specific procedure at a specific time that was performed without my consent.
My daughter was born at 11:32 pm. Approximately 15 minutes later my doctor asked the nurse to tell him when ½ hour had passed after the baby’s delivery. At that point in time, he knew that the placenta wasn’t detaching properly. Did he discuss this with me? No. He just kept biding his time waiting to see if it would change. Shortly thereafter, I notified the doctor that his ½ hour was up. Did he tell me then, that there was a problem with the placenta? No. He attempted cord traction to get the placenta to release. The umbilical cord tore off the placenta leaving the placenta attached to my uterus. Did he notify me then that there was a problem with the placenta, and offer me the opportunity to choose between treatment options of having him try to manually remove it or have it surgically removed? No. He just shoved his hand inside me, and tried to pull it out himself. Why wouldn’t I have seen this as a rape? He wasn’t saving my child. She was already born. He wasn’t saving me since at this point he didn’t see this situation being emergent. I was competent, and capable of consenting. He chose not to allow me to consent.
The pain of this procedure was extraordinary. It’s beyond the realm of anything I had ever experienced. It sent me into a place where I was incapable of providing consent for any additional procedures. Even though I didn’t consent to the D & C, even though I didn’t consent to the re-installation of my uterus, even though he spent almost an hour with his hand elbow deep in my hoo-ha trying to shove my uterus back into place, I’ve never considered those procedures to be birth rape. The situation had become emergent, I was mentally incapable of providing informed consent, and I was at the mercy of his skill, knowledge, and competency.
You see, Birth Rape is about power and consent. It’s not about sex. It has nothing to do with sex. In some ways, birth rape is worse. You’re in a place and surrounded by people who are supposed to keep you safe, but you’re not. You can’t advocate for yourself if they don’t tell you first what they’re going to do. You can’t fight for your rights when they deny them. My doctor wasn’t evil. He wasn’t trying to harm me. He got caught up in the complications, and all he saw was a problem. He forgot that I was a person, and only saw the complications.
Birth rape is real. Birth rape is evil, and eventually it will become prosecutable. Right now it’s impossible to get anyone to believe you.
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