“It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” Grace Murray Hopper

That quote makes me crazy. It’s what happened the night my daughter was born. People, well doctors really, seem to think that they don’t need to ask for permission. They seem to think that once you’re in their place / hospital / care / etc. that they can take charge and do what ever they wish. Once you’re on their turf, the game is over, the power is stolen. A birthing woman is less than nothing. She’s an incubator. Her wishes can be ignored or over-ruled if she’s even given the opportunity to participate in her own care.

I need to add a comment about this quote to my birth plan. It’s fundamental to why I was so traumatized. There was so much rationalization on the doctor’s hand that night. “She had an epidural, she’ll never feel it”, “I’m the doctor, and I know what’s best”, or my favorite, “it’s just a medical procedure” to having a hand shoved elbow deep in your uterus with no communication. It sure didn’t feel like a medical procedure to me. I didn’t grant permission. I didn’t say, “yes. Go ahead”. I didn’t say, “I understand the placenta is stuck, and you need to try to get it out”. I wasn’t given the option to say yes or no. Permission? What’s that? Those consent forms cover it, right? Yep, just like a marriage certificate guarantees that my husband can have sex anytime he wants. I wonder what my doctor will think about the addition?

Here’s my revised birth plan:

This isn’t the typical birth plan. I know that things can go wrong very quickly. I don’t care about IVs, pitocin, dim lights, or vaginal exams. I expect that I’ll be trapped in the bed by a multitude of cords coming out of nearly every orifice. I expect that things will go wrong, all hell will break loose, locusts will descend upon the earth, and the plague will rage throughout the land.

However, I would like this experience to be better than my last birth.

Communication

Please talk to me constantly, especially when I can’t see what you are doing.

Please follow this protocol when explaining interventions to me because I may not ask the appropriate questions.

• Get my attention! Call me by name, grab my hand, look into my eyes, and talk to my face - not my cervix or anyone else in the room.
• Why do you want to intervene?
• What intervention do you want to implement?
• Are there any long-lasting side effects or consequences of this intervention?

While, “it is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission”, it is not the right choice to make when it comes to breaching my reproductive organs. Ask before placing anything inside / through my cervix, hands, electrodes, amniohooks, etc.

If there is any disagreement between caregivers over what treatment option is appropriate, please work it out between yourselves. I don’t wish to take sides, or argue with either of you. If there is a legitimate choice for me to make, please present me with both options in a non-confrontational manner, and allow me a few moments to reflect upon my options prior to making a decision.

If I tell you that something isn’t right or isn’t working, please believe me instead of dismissing my comment as a fallacy because I’m not acting the way YOU believe I should be acting to make that comment a truth.

Please tell me the name of every medication that you are giving me whether it is given orally or through an IV at the time you administer it, and write it down for me before I am discharged.
Please write down any complications you diagnose prior to my discharge, so that I can research them after I get home if I have any questions about them.

Procedures

My uterus has a history of flipping inside out, so please don’t pull on the umbilical cord.

I only consent to manually removing the placenta if I’m fully anesthetized. Please verify this with me prior to proceeding with the procedure.

If I’m hemorrhaging, have another accreta, and my uterus has inverted again, then don’t take extreme measures to save my uterus. I won’t be using it again.