Weeds On My Mind

My husband has been working on a major landscaping project for the last few weeks. Actually, he’s finishing up a major landscaping project from when we first moved into our home 5 years ago. For some reason, despite the use of landscape fabric and rock, the weeds have overtaken the landscaping around the front of our house. The weeds have even taken root in the tiny area between the pavers of the front sidewalk. Every year, it’s a pain in the butt to go out and weed the area. We’ve lost plants / shrubs to the ever increasing weed population. The sidewalk has started to spread wider as the weeds have pushed the pavers apart. This year, we’ve had enough. We’re pulling up all of the rocks, the landscape fabric, and the pavers, and starting all over with new fabric, mulch, and rebuilding the sidewalk.

So, how does this relate to my PTSD?

The weeds are the thoughts from the past that keep intruding into my present. They’ve been choking the life out of me for the last two years. It seems like every six months, I go through and yank them all out, but pretty soon they’ve taken over again. I have one passing thought, I don’t acknowledge it, I don’t challenge its validity, and I just let it hang out. The next thing I know, there’s another one, and another one, and another one. They grow huge, the roots dig down deep into the fertile soil of my brain, and they begin to take over.

I have to find away to turn my hyper-vigilance inside myself. I need to use it to root out the weeds / thoughts when they’re tiny instead of letting them grow big and strong. I need to finish my landscaping project, and free myself from the weeds in my mind. I want to be able to spend that time having fun, focusing on my family, being ME instead of dealing with the garbage of the past.

It’s not easy. I know it will take a lot of work, but I’m done with this… just like I’m done with fighting the weeds in my yard.