Begin with the End in Mind

At work, when starting a project, my boss and I try to think about how we think an application will be used in the future. Right now we’re working on a project that will revolutionize, at least for our company, the way we collect and track subcontractor data and performance (safety, quality, and earned value). Our initial goal is very simple; however, we can both see that this has the potential to morph into something much more involved than what we’re trying to accomplish right now. We’ve been trying to make sure that this application has the flexibility to change as our company’s needs change. Every time we meet to discuss it, we’ll say “begin with the end in mind”.

So, when I read this blog post, it made me start thinking about the way I am inconsistent in applying it to my PTSD journey. When I started counseling, my counselor defined some goals to achieve – no more nightmares, being able to look at my daughter’s baby pictures, and not crying every time I talked about the experience. We accomplished all of those things, at least most of the time, but I’m still having problems. The problem is that I didn’t define me. I simply defined a change in the symptoms.

Now, I’m heading back to counseling to deal with this again. I’m trying to get all the way down to the roots, so I can free myself from this burden. I have to redefine my image of me. In some ways I’ve accomplished it. I’ve actually become more accepting of my body since my daughter was born. I now own a swimsuit, something that had been missing from my wardrobe for at least 10 years. I bought a slinky dress that had my husband salivating (according to him, I’d never looked sexier). I’ve made peace with my cantaloupe sized boobs, and will actually wear deeper v-neck and empire waist shirts than I ever did before. I’ve learned to ride a bike – I mean trike, but it’s still a big change. I love work. I’ve always felt safe there, and despite the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the edginess, my performance remains stellar. So, what’s left? I don’t know, but obviously something is still missing because I’m haunted again. I’ve had three nightmares in three nights, this isn’t normal anymore, and I don’t like it!